“There was a world within me that I called Borderline. It was a dark world, a place I thought I would never escape. It tortured me with emotions that controlled me and held me captive in my own mind. There was this deep sense of emptiness within my core that dragged my soul to that valley of death. My heart cried out such heavy tears from wretched inner pain—I kept dying within this dark world. The days were few when I seemed to surface to God’s Light, but how glorious they were when it happened. Still, the darkness would come, until one day, I was truly blessed because I chose the Holy Spirit and He healed my wounded soul. Then, my Borderline world had no choice but to set me free.” Chantal
During my life, and the recovery process of these past years, I lived with tormenting symptoms of BPD, whereas presently I am barely symptomatic. I no longer live with the destructive emotions and their extreme highs and lows. I no longer have automatic negative thoughts and experience impulsive behavior. My anger is under control and the fear of rejection and abandonment has subsided. I have gained a better sense of self-identity, accepting myself in a new positive way. At times I feel worthy of good things and the love of self is slowly increasing. Furthermore, the anxiety and depression have lifted, and, the deep emptiness that caused my ideations of self-harm and suicide, are gone.
Nonetheless, the road to recovery has been extremely painful. There have been good days but mostly bad ones, highs but agonizing lows, healing stages but major breakdowns, grace-filled moments but dark ones as well. All in all it has been anguishing and other times restoring. This was to be expected as I committed to the healing process, which I knew would take years. What came unexpectedly were those moments when I realized that I was reaching recovery. This started to happen six months ago. I always believed that God is my ultimate Healer and in the end, it has been through my spirituality that I have been healed from BPD.
I experienced spiritual transformation during these past three years. I was reborn, receiving a new life in Christ. I found a hope in God and a new beginning, I started to trust Him, I finally understood that faith was more important than emotions, I am in the midst of experiencing a new love for Jesus, and now my soul has finally healed from its wounds because of the power of the Holy Spirit. I desired and prayed to Him for recovery from my mental illness and through baptism, He freed me from the turmoil I lived with for so long. It was because I wanted to receive Him in my heart and soul that I am forever changed.
There were other factors that contributed to my healing—my family and the comfort of a new spiritual life. Therapy helped me to turn those negative thoughts into positive ones, to fear less rejection, and, to build that positive sense of identity, worthiness and self-love. Medication helped with the extreme emotions such as that anger, the anxiety, and the depression. However, it was God’s love through the Holy Spirit, which finally set my wounded soul free from the deep emptiness and darkness.
My soul needed the grace of the Holy Spirit to save me from the desolation; to finally end the torment I endured all these years. It was unbearable to live such spiritual death. There was no light, no hope, only aloneness and darkness. I was whole when my soul was in me, but when it would be dragged to that dark valley, I could feel emptiness, hollowness and nothingness within my core. There was no God, but how I longed for Him. As mentioned, sometimes my soul resurfaced to the Light and I would experience this reverence and awe for God, until the emptiness and darkness would consume me once again. The beautiful soul simply desiring to be with God and to serve Him, would escape me. I wanted to end all my suffering but something kept me alive. It was my faith. Even if I could not sense God, a part of me knew He was still there, and that He would heal me from my BPD one day. Therefore, He did. I am amazed that the time has finally come, and am grateful.
In Psalm 116, which I have often prayed, the psalmist expresses the desire for the LORD to save his/her life, to have the soul return to its rest, and to be delivered from death. I believe this is what happened to me because I am now at peace. The soul, the very life within me, the place where God and I dwell together, has united. Moreover, I am now happier, healthier and holier.
Equally important, my relationship with Jesus is coming alive in a new way, this time through my heart. When I experienced the emptiness and darkness of my soul, my heart could not be fully open to Jesus’ love. However, now that my wounded soul is healed, my heart is also free. It is no longer in emotional agony.
When I think of verse 10 from Psalm 51, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me.” God has not only healed my soul, but is cleansing my heart from all the darkness it endured all these years. Psalm 51 was also the first I meditated on at the beginning of my recovery journey. This verse, 10, was always a favorite of mine but it is only now that I fully understand its context for me. Now it is a time for a new heart, a special one where I can grow in Jesus’ love, and renew that personal, intimate relationship with Him that once captivated me three years ago.
To sum up this post…I felt compelled to share this part of my recovery with you. I do believe, as I mentioned, that it is through the soul that an individual with BPD can recover. Because without our soul, who are we? We are incomplete, empty and living in a dark world, distant from our God.
So, when we are in the midst of turmoil whether we are on a recovery journey or not, have faith. There is a God who is so willing to heal your soul. Go to Him, call on the Holy Spirit, and seek Jesus’ love. Believe in your own unique recovery, give it much time, and do not ever give up.
“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ…” Ephesians 3:16-18
May the Holy Spirit heal our wounded souls from Borderline Personality Disorder, and may our hearts be filled with Your abundant love.
In Jesus’ Name. Amen.